About 8 weeks ago I woke up more tired than I went to sleep. Now this, I was used to. You see I suffer from CFS/ M.E. I was diagnosed at the age of 15, but managed to recover enough to lead an almost normal life. But it was always there. I suffered from constant flu type illness, aches and pains lasting all day and night. I learnt to manage it, it didn't often stop me from doing what I wanted to. I would pay for it in the following days of fatigue and pain.
But this feeling was different. I started to become unable to do what I wanted to do. My mind would will me to concentrate, but what I read, i just couldn't take in. I stared blankly at the lecturers, trying to look interested, but my eyes burned and went crossed in the effort to keep them open. Getting up and walking involved an inward struggle to will my body to move, then a silent pep talk to keep me going.
And then it happened. I lost the battle. When I stood up the room span so much I had to sit down again. I willed myself to get up and walk to the bathroom, but my legs gave way. I tried to talk, but I couldn't find the right words to say.
The doctor thought this was something serious, something new and completely different to my CFS. I had blood tests, ECG's, and regular BP checks. But they found nothing. They think Its 'just' a bad relapse. I am waiting to be seen at the hospital.
So here I am, sat in a chair in my PJ's. I have been up 3 hours, and I have managed to make 2 cups of tea, and go to the bathroom. This is an achievement, since yesterday I had to be dressed and undressed by my husband because I couldn't stand up without my legs giving way. At times I feel quite well, and can potter about doing things. I have had some really good days when I have been to the shops, or to visit friends. But on the whole my life has been put on hold for a while. I can't continue my training at the moment, and am signed off until at least November time.
So this blog may or may not get updated more often. I want to, but I'm unsure if anything I type will be worth reading. This post in itself has bored me somewhat! But I wanted to explain, to pave the way for any future posts if I feel like writing them.
I went with my family to cub scout camp at the weekend. I was far too unwell to do very much at all, but they took a caravan for me. I spent a lot of the time laying in there, watching the children from my window. I have realised how much of health and vitality we take for granted. It is such a gift. Laying there, unable to find the energy to hold a magazine, or change position, I just gazed at my kids in wonder. I felt like the luckiest woman alive, watching them play in the evening sunshine. I watched the trees dance in the breeze. I listened to the sound of children's laughter, and excited little voices full of adventure discussing the days activities. I wouldn't have noticed them had I been well. I would have been off organising some activity or cooking their dinner.
Me looking rough, but content in my caravan.
Looking back, I probably couldn't move cause of all the layers
I had on to keep warm lol
There is always a lesson to be learnt from life, and something beautiful and good to come out of the most awful of circumstances. Sure I feel disappointed and down about being so ill, but I wont let it be in vain. I will come out the other side stronger and wiser, and enlightened.
(Please forgive and typos, I'm having trouble concentrating)
